"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it." -Jackie Gleason
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." -Red Buttons
"I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember." -Shecky Greene
"A conference is a gathering of important people who singley can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done." -Fred Allen
"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals." -Ronnie Corbett
"They think they can make fuel from horse manure ... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning." -Billie Holliday
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" -Mike Binder
"Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -Stephen Leacock
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." -Ed Bluestone
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." -Steve Bluestone
"Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box." -Wil Shriner
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." -George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is!" -Ellen DeGeneris
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." -Carol Leifer
"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise." -Roger Simon
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." -Shelley Berman
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents." -Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -Dave Edison
"If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?" -Calvin Trillin
"Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face." -Anita Wise
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -Jay Leno
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." -Johnny Carson
"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers
"It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline." -George Lindsey
"Never moon a werewolf." -Mike Binder
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." -George Gobel